Teams

Night Watchman
Wishes he was – Terry. Still hasn’t got any friends his own age. Always goes for impossible shots and actually made one once. Never gets downhearted. In his own words: “a truly inspirational leader”.

Prizewallah
Wishes he was – Charlie. Nickname: ‘Ian’. Likely to tell you: ‘I beat Nick Faldo once‘, or “you were aiming that way”.  Medical miracle – opiate fuelled, but stingy in sharing it out. Usually Saga MVP, if he stays upright.

Clipboard Man
Ageing lummox. Poundshop Terry Thomas, minus the good looks. Worst putter in Yorkshire. As the old boy on tour, straining every sinew to prove he’s not past it quite yet. Only asked along for travel rep reasons. 

Lunch & barman Thurs
Scarlet Pimpernel. The Sheik’s puppet right hand man, working his way back into favour after the drunken sacking of the Saga Captain. Self-appointed D.O.G., never recovered from the indignity of being told not good enough to play off the black tees at Royal Gramacho.

Par 3 NP & Golden Turkey
‘Biggest payday Bryn’ as he is known on the circuit. Contract tart – is he a Saga or a Lager? Lager ‘signing-on’ paperwork still not found. Negotiations likely to go down to the final minutes of the transfer window. Parlby’s bitch – ‘your ball Bryn’.

Sommelier 
George Clooney’s best mate, and legendary showboater – ’shall we play left-handed boys’? Master of comedic timing and deadpan delivery. Has a bit of thing for Dame Laura Davies (but then she is hot…). Mercenary or journeyman? … the jury is still out.

Lager Skipper
Natty dresser on and off the course – holiday tour rep meets Val Doonican vibe. The inventor of Bob Ball. Always one game away from the sack. Too good for a set of Ping custom clubs. A big consumer of turmeric, so the person he would most like to meet is Kyle Bartley.

Lunch & barman Tues
Nicest man in England but has been an imposter for years as he is actually ‘Monsieur Nigel’ due to his heritage. The fashion police have confiscated his onesie. Awarded most improved Lager player in Alvor. Lucky escape from Saga captaincy after botched DOG appointment last year.

Dinner Wednesday
60 at last, although seems like it has been years coming. Ice cool temperament on the course. Always chatty and never one to lose his head. Never argue with him if you are a kerbstone. Partner in crime of ‘Buggygate’ but managed to escape the rap.

Logistics Supremo
No job is beyond his capabilities. More star selfies than anyone. Larger’s secret weapon – great form on the course credited to the bionic knee brace, which will be subject to official scrutineering in 2026. First sign of rain and he is in the clubhouse.

Dinner Thursday & coats
CEO of the respected firm SAS – the gold standard of accounting probity. The tour’s answer to Private Walker – anything you want, at a price. Need someone paggered by the ronkas? He’s your man! Promised to use his driver in Majorca.

Dinner Tuesday
‘Horatio’ Grafton (but in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king). Fearsome opponent with either eye, or  blindfolded, but well dodgy on short putts that should have been given. BPOT (best player on tour) based on most all-time point contributions – Lager’s Harry Kane.